I haven't written in a long time, probably the longest stretch I've gone without writing a word. It's been an extremely emotional journey as I literally let go of all I've been hanging onto for so many years. As Rumi wrote, "Life is a balance between hanging on and letting go."
I didn't really want to let go, that's the problem. I felt like I was in a battle with the Universe as it tossed one shitty thing after another in my direction and, no matter how hard I fought to hold on, to fight to make things work, the worse the situation became.
So I surrendered. I let go. I put the house up for sale, endured the endless house showings, the doubt, the harsh reality that I could no longer stay where I was because it simply didn't work anymore. The isolation had been slowly killing me, I see that now. The house I loved had become my prison. A prison filled with ghosts of a husband who killed himself and children who had grown into independent adults.
I am writing this now in the apartment I leased for my son and daughter. It's urban, it's fun, it's gorgeous. There's a swimming pool outside that looks like a five-star resort. The people around us are very friendly and the vibe is upbeat. I filled their place with things from the house so it feels homey to them.
But I'm not staying here. I'm going to find my own fresh start in a different city. This place is fabulous--but I know deep down it's not meant for me. It's meant for them. I may be a lot of things--and people can judge me as they do for things I have never been--but I am a good mom. I set them up well and they are ready to lead their own lives.
I have mixed feelings about all of this. I go from being excited to being frightened out of my mind. It's been over twenty-two years since I've been "simply Amber." What if I fail? What if I have no idea what that means anymore...to be myself? I've been a wife, then a widow, and a mom for so long...what do I want this next chapter of my life to look like?
When it comes down to leaving Colorado, a place I've lived for twenty-five years, I am sad by one thing only: I feel completely disconnected from this place. How is that possible after all this time? My heart has been broken too often and too harshly here. There has been too much loss, too many lies, too much betrayal. Friends who disappeared without even one conversation about "why", people who judged rather than loved after my husband's death and our subsequent struggles as a family...it's all left a scar on my heart.
Selling the house where I raised my family was a wildly emotional event. Now I'm buying a house in a different city in a different state and devoting myself 100% to ME and my writing. No one knows me there and I like that idea. I can reinvent myself in the version of me that I want to be deep in my heart. For the first time in two decades, I am my main priority. I held on to the house and to Colorado for all the right reasons--I wanted the kids to have stability after their father's death and perhaps I needed that too--but letting go feels necessary.
Letting go of the pain.
Letting go of old dreams of what-ifs and maybes.
Letting go of anger toward those who hurt me deeply...at least I'm working toward that, still have a ways to go.
Letting go of the smallness that has kept me living a life of quiet desperation.
Letting go of the excuses for staying stuck.
Letting go of an identity that never truly suited me.
Yes, this change is necessary. The past months--perhaps even the past year if I'm really honest--has been brutal, like being in the throes of an endless birth. I have wept, I have been on the floor in despair, I have fought against it, I have beaten myself up, I have danced on the edge of insanity at times...until I surrendered.
I gave it all up to the Universe and said, "Okay, fine, I get it. I trust you. I let go. Lead me where I am meant to be."
Once I surrendered, everything clicked into place. The closing on the house was easy. Getting the apartment was easy. Buying a new house in a new city in a new state was easy. I remain in a state of surrender, trusting the flow of the Universe, the love of God, the protection of my angels, and the belief in myself to lead me through the fear and the nagging self-doubt.
Embracing the fresh start.
Amber Lea Easton is a multi-published author of romantic thrillers, contemporary romance, women's fiction, and nonfiction. She also writes five different blogs, works as a professional editor and author coach, creates a line of inspirational journals, volunteers for children's literacy, and advocates for suicide awareness. In addition, she is the mother of two extraordinary human beings and an adventurer eager to experience the world. To find out more about her books, please visit http://www.amberleaeaston.com.