About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Clearing the way

I firmly believe in Divine Timing.  I also believe that there are no coincidences, that every experience is meant to enhance my life--even the ugly moments.  Each moment has been like a stepping stone for all the good in my life today.

That may seem odd to say--that the ugly moments paved the way for the good--but I honestly think it's true.  I needed a family member to ruin Christmas last year so that I no longer felt obligated to compromise my happiness for people who truly don't understand me. That experience helped me sever the ties for approval that held me back for too long. Friends who betrayed me with gossip taught me that I need to be more careful about whom I trust and freed me to let new people into my life who parallel my journey. My dad blowing up my house taught me the value of patience and compassion.  I needed a snotty church lady to comment on my where-abouts to confirm my belief that I owe no one an explanation (and, church lady, perhaps that attitude is why I've been absent for three months).  All of these things bothered me when they happened, but only because I felt the break-away, sort  of like the pain of a bandage being ripped off.  

I feel free!  I feel light, as if I finally released my need for approval, control and security. Now there is good flowing into my life...my debut novel is being released in November...artistic people who line up with my lifestyle are showing up...opportunities are falling into my lap.  All I had to do was let go...rid my life of people who made me feel shut-down...let circumstances go that held me back...release limiting ideas and embrace the unknown.

That's all?  Yeah, you're right.  It wasn't easy.  The pain of breaking-away is poignant.

The break-away is still happening.  There are friends I see slipping away because our lives no longer mesh.  The old me would have fought it--but this new me says, "bon voyage and vaya con Dios".  It's all meant to be the way it is.

Although I do my happy dance regularly these days, my attitude is more like a ballsy 1930's chic who smokes long-cigarettes, sings while laying on top of a piano and runs moonshine on the side.  In other words, don't mess with me.  This break-away has revealed a woman who I always knew existed, but who's been hiding out in the back alleys of my being for awhile.  If you want honesty, that's what I'll give you. If you want perky Pollyanna, go somewhere else.  (Although I'm big on living at a high vibration, even Lola Jones of Divine Openings says that "high vibration" doesn't mean putting a positive spin on everything, it means being in complete alignment with our larger purpose.  Authentic.  There's a difference.)  

It's important that we embrace the ugly that life throws at us from time-to-time.  When I look back on Sean's suicide--that traumatic day--I am grateful I fell apart.  I went with the emotion instead of against it.  I expressed my anger, my pain and my sorrow instead of burying it.  Did I put a positive spin on it or am I trying to now?  Hell no. I  embraced the ugly, felt its darkness, kissed its hideous mouth--and emerged a far stronger person because of it.  I cleared the way for THIS...for joy, success, awe and confidence. Clearing the way is worth the pain of breaking-away.