This all hit close to home with me. When Sean committed suicide, I was that wife who everyone started wondering and whispering about. Wow, she must be horrible to live with. Didn't she know her husband needed help? Why didn't she make him get help? It doesn't matter than making a grown man do anything he doesn't want to is impossible. There is a reason that therapists say someone cannot be treated unless they acknowledge that they need help...and then want help.
Some how and in some way I had to be the reason why he chose to leave this earth. People needed someone or something to blame. I remained alive; therefore, I had to know the answer as to WHY, right?
Some how and in some way I had to be the reason why he chose to leave this earth. People needed someone or something to blame. I remained alive; therefore, I had to know the answer as to WHY, right?
I didn't know the answer as to why. Still don't. Sean's suicide was not my fault. No one's suicide is ever the fault of anyone else. It is not the fault of anything outside of that person, for that matter. Suicide is a solo decision born out of despair and a darkness so all-consuming that it distorts rational thinking. Suicide is a purely individual act.
Death is tragic--whether it is cancer, war, murder, accident or suicide. A loss has occurred. Period. Mourn the person's life rather than speculate over the WHY of death.
Even six years later, I feel the stain of suicide on my life. I carry it with me always like a giant S tattooed on my forehead. When I meet someone new and they discover I am a widow, I am always asked how Sean died. I don't know why people need to know HOW someone died, but it always has an adverse effect on the mood of the conversation. I doubt a divorced person is immediately asked, "why did you get a divorce?" in a casual setting by a virtual stranger. But I am always asked how--regardless of if I am in an exercise class, a bar or a party. Geez! Are manners a thing of the past?
Have we as a society lost all sense of boundaries and common decency?
Even if it weren't suicide, it's not a good subject to bring up in a social setting. But it happens. I meet a guy...he asks if I'm divorced...I say "no, I'm a widow"...he asks, "how did your husband die?" REALLY?! I don't want to talk about the how--no one does in a social setting. I have tried all of the answers like "I don't like to discuss that" or "now isn't the time for that"...but the reaction is always the same. They still want to know how. And, once the S word is uttered, I see the wheels spinning, the dynamic changes and the conversation becomes awkward.
People who survive the suicide of a loved one live with it daily--even years later. We don't need to be reminded or criticized or judged. We do not need to openly discuss the why or the how with you just because you're curious.
Let it be. If someone you meet says they are a widow or widower, let it be. It's not your business as to how...or why...or anything else.
Have we as a society lost all sense of boundaries and common decency?
Even if it weren't suicide, it's not a good subject to bring up in a social setting. But it happens. I meet a guy...he asks if I'm divorced...I say "no, I'm a widow"...he asks, "how did your husband die?" REALLY?! I don't want to talk about the how--no one does in a social setting. I have tried all of the answers like "I don't like to discuss that" or "now isn't the time for that"...but the reaction is always the same. They still want to know how. And, once the S word is uttered, I see the wheels spinning, the dynamic changes and the conversation becomes awkward.
People who survive the suicide of a loved one live with it daily--even years later. We don't need to be reminded or criticized or judged. We do not need to openly discuss the why or the how with you just because you're curious.
Let it be. If someone you meet says they are a widow or widower, let it be. It's not your business as to how...or why...or anything else.
Stop the blame game, the judgment, the speculation and the whispering. If you learn anything from me, let it be that suicide is not the fault of anyone. It is a tragedy like any other death. It is not open for round-table discussions about how evil the spouse/parents/significant others must have been. It is not a stigma. It is NOT entertainment.
Maybe as a society we have become desensitized. Personal boundaries have blurred. Respect seems like an old-fashioned concept. Compassion is rare. Kindness is labeled as weakness. Personally, I think that is a tragedy that affects us all.