A lot about life is unpredictable. Hell, any one of us could get die tomorrow. So--if life is all about the unknown--why is it so scary to leave our comfort zones? You'd think we'd eventually get used to the idea of "wing'n it".
I haven't. I still get the heebie-jeebies when doing something I've never done before, which lately seems to happen almost daily. With me, though, it's not so much about being afraid of what's next, but being reluctant to release the old.
I'm sick of loss, but it seems inevitable. Ever since Sean died, I feel like I've been on an endless loop of change. I lost him. I lost the identity of wife and stay-at-home mom. I lost my sense of security and of partnership. I changed--became darker and more cynical, I can admit that. I guess you could call that a loss of innocence...and confidence.
Now my life is unfolding in miraculous ways. My confidence is back. I'm taking care of unfinished business, confronting issues that would have festered before and looking ahead toward the unknown. I'm taking control and heading full-throttle out of my comfort zone.
Adapt or die, isn't that the saying?
Terrified pretty much sums up my state-of-mind. Scared shitless is also accurate. I have no idea what I'm doing. But that seems to be a constant theme in my life these days.
Sometimes I feel I've left some carnage in my wake--for that, I am deeply sorry. It's not my intent to hurt anyone as I work out these changes in myself, my schedule and my life, but I know I have. I'd go so far to say that there were times I danced on the edge of crazy with my sense of overwhelm and made a few erratic choices. Some people became collateral damage. That's the part of change...letting go...moving forward... evolving...that sucks.
I'm not the same person I was a decade ago. Hell, I'm not the same Amber I was a year ago. But I firmly believe that I am who I am meant to be today, in this moment. I feel that every change I've undergone, each decision I've made, has prepared me for all the good that's coming my way. Living life in a constant state of flux, which is how it feels, is simply the way of things right now.
I don't know if I'll ever feel secure like I once did. Perhaps I don't want to anymore. Maybe that way of being limits more than benefits. Who knows? Maybe when I'm an eighty year old woman, I'll know, but right now I can only guess. Like I said, I have no idea what I'm doing. Most days I'm just clinging to the edge of my seat wondering what's gonna happen next...luckily, it's usually something amazing...or at least something worthy of a good story.
About Moxie Girl Musings
Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com