About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Monday, October 10, 2011

Uncharted

A lot about life is unpredictable.  Hell, any one of us could get die tomorrow.  So--if life is all about the unknown--why is it so scary to leave our comfort zones?  You'd think we'd eventually get used to the idea of "wing'n it".

I haven't.  I still get the heebie-jeebies when doing something I've never done before, which lately seems to happen almost daily.  With me, though, it's not so much about being afraid of what's next, but being reluctant to release the old.

I'm sick of loss, but it seems inevitable. Ever since Sean died, I feel like I've been on an endless loop of change.  I lost him.  I lost the identity of wife and stay-at-home mom. I lost my sense of security and of partnership.  I changed--became darker and more cynical, I can admit that.  I guess you could call that a loss of innocence...and confidence.

Now my life is unfolding in miraculous ways.  My confidence is back.  I'm taking care of unfinished business, confronting issues that would have festered before and looking ahead toward the unknown.  I'm taking control and heading full-throttle out of my comfort zone.

Adapt or die, isn't that the saying?

Terrified pretty much sums up my state-of-mind.  Scared shitless is also accurate.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  But that seems to be a constant theme in my life these days.

Sometimes I feel I've left some carnage in my wake--for that, I am deeply sorry.  It's not my intent to hurt anyone as I work out these changes in myself, my schedule and my life, but I know I have.  I'd go so far to say that there were times I danced on the edge of crazy with my sense of overwhelm and made a few erratic choices.  Some people became collateral damage.  That's the part of change...letting go...moving forward... evolving...that sucks.

I'm not the same person I was a decade ago.  Hell, I'm not the same Amber I was a year ago.  But I firmly believe that I am who I am meant to be today, in this moment.  I feel that every change I've undergone, each decision I've made, has prepared me for all the good that's coming my way.  Living life in a constant state of flux, which is how it feels, is simply the way of things right now.

I don't know if I'll ever feel secure like I once did.  Perhaps I don't want to anymore.  Maybe that way of being limits more than benefits.  Who knows?  Maybe when I'm an eighty year old woman, I'll know, but right now I can only guess.  Like I said, I have no idea what I'm doing.  Most days I'm just clinging to the edge of my seat wondering what's gonna happen next...luckily, it's usually something amazing...or at least something worthy of a good story.

2 comments:

  1. Amber, some people think we stop growing when we step out of our teenager years. Others think it is after college, or when we get married, have children, or reach thirty.

    The reality is, like the grass rising on a Kansas field, we never stop growing.

    Life is continual evolution.

    Nevertheless, what happens to many people, particularly the older they become, they are locked in a routine of complacency. That quintessential cozy rut.

    Change is often viewed as something fearful, because habits have formed and spontaneity has lost its fluidity.

    What you are feeling, that edge of your seat anxiety, you would be experiencing, regardless of whether or not you had lost your husband.

    You are entering the deeper waters of middle age.

    One side of you wants to remain adventurous, cling to your youth, whereas another side of you, the wiser more practical side, wants to establish a fixed position in society. Do what older people do, succumb to that image in the mirror that is telling them,

    “Accept who you are, because at your age, the definition of who you are now is who you will be for the rest of your life. You’re not that young person in college anymore who can say in ten years, I’ll be someone else.”

    But seriously, Amber, that voice is the voice of our parents, that’s rationale talking. And although that voice means well, it doesn’t mean we have to listen. Doesn’t mean we have to stand in cement and allow it to dry.

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  2. Well, yes and no, John. Sean's death was the catalyst that spun my life into free fall and there hasn't been much stability to speak of since that moment. What's happening now--other big changes that are happening regardless of being a widow, yes, that's true--are like a whirlwind that's caught me up and spun me ragged.

    I look around and see many people my age who aren't going through nearly as many changes--which is what causes friction between us. They don't get it. I'm constantly changing--my mind, my routine, my wants, my goals. The result has been further losses and some bad feelings. Some want me to stay the same as I was a decade ago--or even a year ago--but I'm not.

    I'm not complaining. I embrace the changes. I don't want the status quo because, quite honestly, where I've been has sucked and I'm ready for all kinds of amazing in my life! I'm in flux. Ha. It's exciting, in many ways, but I'm ahead of the game compared to some my age. I haven't had anything secure to cling to in six years. Being a "young widow" presents its own set of challenges, which I'm writing about in my book, Free Fall.

    But, with the economy like it is, I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like they're in a free fall. Life is full of cling to the edge of your seat moments--which I didn't mean to imply was bad. It is what it is--usually leading to great things.

    MIDDLE AGE? Damn, you make me feel old, John. LOL I don't consider middle age to be until my 50's. I've got a long way to go before I hit that mark.

    Thanks, John! Your words are always wonderful to read. I love your comment, as always. Further food for thought, which is great!

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