About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Mirror

I am over being politically correct--not that I have been for awhile now.  I would rather stand up for what I think is right without worrying about what Joe Blow thinks because, in all honesty, I think Joe Blow is an idiot.

I am not sure when I got it into my head that I needed to run my life via committee--probably my Mid-Western upbringing--but those days are gone.  Perhaps years of being a writer, putting myself out there for review and developing a thick skin have propelled me toward this awakening.  Or perhaps owning my age, respecting my journey and learning hard life-lessons ripped off the blinders to my own insecurities.  No matter the cause of my new sense of being, I embrace the freedom that I have been given.  Freedom of censorship.  Freedom of choice.  Freedom of being authentically--and sometimes weirdly--me. 

For some people this may be a given, but it hasn't been for me.  I can think of too many examples during my lifetime where I surrendered my ground to make things more comfortable for someone else, of how many things I gave up so that I would be acceptable to the elusive "they", how many times I compromised despite my instinct screaming out with objection and how much anger I've held onto because of it all. 

Through all of the compromises, I wandered from my true nature and my purpose.  I didn't even notice it happening because a part of me had become unconscious.  I stuffed my feelings down with food, with distractions, with anything I could think of that would keep me in the dark.  It got to the point where I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without getting upset.  Upset because the stranger looking back at me from my reflection seemed to be saying, "what are you waiting for?"

And that's the question:  what are you waiting for?

I think of that question daily.  What am I waiting for?   For someone else to give me permission to move on, to say what's really on my mind, to live my life, to love, to be what I was born to be?  Hell, no.  Not anymore.

I don't care what Joe Blow thinks.  It is more important to me that, when I look in the mirror, I can look myself in the eye and know I am being true.

There is something telling about looking myself in the eye.  It goes beyond checking my hair or my make-up or seeing how those pants look from behind.  It goes to a deeper level of truth when I look eye-to-eye with my reflection.  Perhaps that is why I avoided doing it for years...I didn't want to acknowledge the truth.  

Have you looked yourself in the eye lately?  I hope you can.  And when you do, I hope you can smile with the certainty that you are living a passionate, authentic and loving life.  If not, if there is sadness or desperation in your eyes, then ask yourself:  what are you waiting for?

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