The death of a loved one or any personal tragedy cracks the foundation of all that was once believed as truth or as an absolute. Over the past few years I have questioned my long-held beliefs and thoughts. The Pollyanna view of the world as a safe, secure place no longer exists from my perception. And I am thankful that it doesn't. Living in delusion only works for a little while before it all comes tumbling down like an avalanche in the Rockies.
It is true that through tragedy our character strengthens and we grow as humans; but it is also true that darkness comes with experiencing life's less than Pollyanna perfect side. People like to say things to me like, "well, now you can use your experience to help others" or "it's all part of God's plan" or "now you can use your experience to grow." Sure, in some respects, those things have a grain of truth...but they are not the whole picture. I am not a martyr. I didn't sign up to be the poster child of grief management or anyone's inspiration.
I am just a woman doing the best I can with life's challenges that are all too common. I get confused in the midst of all the healing, the moving on, the falling backward, the expectations, the anger, the loneliness, the only-parenting, the career building, the starting over, the budgeting, the redefining, the disappointments, the heartache, the trying, the hoping...damn, it's exhausting. Of course there's a dark side. Thank God there's a dark side to give me perspective.
Because of my descent into darkness, I whittled away through the Pollyanna-Midwestern-Play-By-The-Rules-And-Life-Will-Be-Glossy bullshit to the truth. My truth, which isn't to be confused with anyone else's.
My truth is that my heart is broken. My truth is that I do not believe in being politically correct. My truth is that I forgive but don't forget. My truth is that I am an optimist. My truth is that I am a romantic. My truth is that I love my family. My truth is that I have scars that sabotage my love life. My truth is that I know what evil looks like and am not afraid. My truth is that I have no desire to impress my neighbor or prove anything to anyone. My truth is that I am angry over Sean's suicide. My truth is that I like being snarky from time-to-time. My truth is that I am vulnerable and compassionate. My truth is that I am scared. My truth is that I am generous. My truth is that I see goodness in everyone. My truth is I am creative. My truth is that I am always searching. My truth is that I am at peace with God.
I like my darkness. I know that may sound odd or even scary for those who haven't been down my path, but trust me. Through my darkness I experienced despair, hopelessness and anger. Through my darkness I found strength, compassion and empathy. Through my darkness I let go of what I thought of as reality, opened my mind to new ideas and surrendered my past. Through my darkness I found a deeper connection to Spirit.
As with all great works of art, which we as humans truly are, shadows add dimension and perspective. The dark shadows transform a mere picture into a priceless collectible. I am thankful that I whittled away to the truth through the dark so that I can bask in the light.
About Moxie Girl Musings
Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com