About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Monday, September 20, 2010

Only a dream

There are nights when I have the most incredible dreams and rebel against waking up.  Dreams where I am so happy that I wake up laughing.  Dreams where all is right with the world because it is complete with the one person I thought I would never see again.  Dreams where Sean is alive, we are talking and walking hand-in-hand. Just a dream. 
I thought those dreams would fade away with time, but they haven't.  I hope they don't.  When I dream of Sean, when I dream of us walking and talking and laughing, I remember the love. The love hits me like a tsunami and reminds me about what used to happen every time I laid eyes on that man.

I hate to admit it, but I forget what that feels like.  Sometimes when I'm awake and busy with my solo life as widow, I forget what it was like to be in love and be loved.  When I dream...I remember.

A friend who lost his wife told me that he has similar dreams.  Most people I know who have lost someone have dreams of them visiting at some point and all say how vivid it feels, how they fight to stay immersed in the dream for just a little longer.  
There are moments after I wake from a Sean dream where I feel as if my skin has been touched, moments when I feel as if he just left the room.  But I know that's not true.  I know he's been a gone a very long time. 

There are different theories about these types of dreams.  Some say that it's their ghost checking in to see if all is well; others say that it is our subconscious needing to reconnect with that person.  I don't really care about the what, why or how.  All I know is that when I dream of Sean, when I feel all that love rush back, I fight waking up because I know I will lose it all again. 

These dreams are not holding me back.  They do not keep me stuck in the past.  I am moving on, seizing the day, taking the leap and living as best as I can. But I hope I forever dream of Sean like I do now.  He is like an old friend,  a dear friend, who has great conversations with me in the night.  We laugh like we used to laugh.  We flirt like we used to flirt.  And he is happy.  In the dreams he is happy, but during that last year of his life he was so sad.  I like dreaming of him as happy.
As humans, our knowledge is limited.  We can only theorize about the after-life, about dreams, about paranormal events, about grief, about life itself.  We do not know all the answers.  I'm not sure we are supposed to know during our lifetimes.  All I know for sure is that when I have these dreams, it feels good. There can't be any harm in that.

Opening my eyes and letting go is bittersweet, but it was only a dream.  I can't stay asleep forever; I have a life to live.

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