About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Love me or leave me

People who haven't lost confidence don't know what it feels like to find it again.  Let me tell you this...finding it again is better than winning the lottery.  I know--not because I have ever won the lottery--but because I have found my confidence again after years of drifting in a void of self-doubt.    

When Sean killed himself, my entire world fell apart.  Beneath the grief, doubt about my role in Sean's demise grew like a cancer until it ate away my self-confidence.  I questioned everything from my self-worth, my talent, my intelligence and my judgment.  People with their own agendas worked their way into my life and encouraged my second-guessing.  As a result, I made ridiculous judgments with gray-area friend (refer to earlier in the year blog posts if you don't know who that is), self-sabotaged myself at every turn, and started believing that I didn't deserve happiness after Sean's horrible sadness.

Let me say that again:  I started believing that I didn't deserve happiness after Sean's horrible sadness.  That thought permeated everything I did.  Well, to hell with all of that.  I have found my confidence again after a long journey through grief's winding and dark road.  

I wish I could say that there was a pivotal moment that triggered my comeback, but that's not the case.  This has been a process of learning from mistakes, screwing up relationships in the name of bad timing, letting the toxic people fall away, standing up for myself, studying spirituality, reading everything I could find on starting over, and loving myself exactly as I am now.

I no longer defend any decision, action or belief I have.  I feel no need for debate.  Love me or leave me, that's what I say now and mean it.  I realize now that I was never weak, merely wounded by a severe loss.  I survived hearing my husband's last breath. I survived rocking my kids as they screamed in the night.  I survived all the rumors and betrayal that surround survivors of suicide.  I survived all the questioning of every decision I made.  There is nothing weak about any of that.  I see that now.

Perhaps my confidence was never lost; instead it was drowned out by the screaming of despair.  Even as I beat myself up, it whispered quietly as I made decision after decision in opposition to those around me.  It whispered quietly when I forced myself to get up every morning and start again.  It whispered quietly to never give up even when I wanted to.  It whispered quietly when I took a chance at loving gray-area friend.  The difference is that now it no longer whispers; it shouts, it dances, it leaps and it struts.

Love me for who I am or leave me because I'm not who you want me to be, either way I know I'll be just fine.

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