Ever since I held my daughter in my arms, I have lived for a higher purpose. All my selfish tendencies of single life fell away as I looked at the little life who depended on me. I made a promise to that baby girl that I would take care of her, that I would make sure she had everything she ever needed and that we would be a happy family. Promises were kept. Promises were broken. That's how life goes...keeping promises and breaking others. Now my little girl is starting her freshman year of high school...not a baby anymore.
We've been through a lot, my daughter, my son and me. We witnessed Sean's suicide and held hands at his funeral. We had a lot of money, had very little money and then stumbled back on our feet again. Together. We have traveled to other countries, swam in several oceans, explored US cities, hiked mountains, skied in bitter cold wind, and snuggled on the sofa for movie marathons. Together.
As we walk through yet another life transition, new promises are made because the others no longer fit. My kids are growing up. Their independence shines through with a brilliance that is sometimes blinding. I admire them as people with their own opinions, hopes and dreams. In four years, Briahna will graduate high school. Ben graduates in six. It's time for me to make new promises, but this time I am making them to myself. I say things like, "I promise to get a life of my own again, above and beyond being a mom", "I promise to carve more time for myself into the daily routine", "I promise to let the kids be who they are meant to be and not who I dream them to be."
It's not easy being a parent, let alone being a widowed mother. The children have been my entire world for fourteen years now, even more so after Sean's death. Parenting isn't all lolly pops and rainbows, though, and there have been moments when I had no idea how I would survive one more day doing this all alone. But I have done it all alone and now see how temporary even the most difficult moments have been.
In a few years, the kids will be in college or off doing whatever it is they choose to do with their lives. Time to ask myself the old interview question, "where do you see yourself in ten years?"
I know the answer to the question. I really do, but don't feel like telling anyone because I am absolutely sick of the naysayers, doubters and fools in the world. I know myself well. Trust me when I say it's gonna be fun.
About Moxie Girl Musings
Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com