About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Noise

Screech. Bam. Beep.  Blonk.  Noise rattles through my brain with all the naysayers and troublemakers who enjoy being the speed bump in my otherwise good mood.  To them I say...thank you.  Thank you for thickening my skin, solidifying my resolve and emboldening my already bold attitude. 


Adversity does teach a lesson.  All of the challenges and disappointments I have faced during the past years have taught me the value of advocating for myself.  This should be a no-brainer, you might think, but the fact is that I forgot this lesson somewhere along the way.  Somewhere along the way I started doubting my opinions, my purpose, and my innate value.  In the aftermath of my husband's suicide, I felt scarred and abandoned.  But all of that has changed. Thanks to the challenges and the tragedy I have overcome, I now know what I am capable of handling and am confident being my own advocate. 


To the critics and naysayers who have continuously told me all of the things I cannot do and should not do as a widowed mom of two, thank you for being wrong on so many occasions.  Your continued non-support and misguided opinions have validated my gut instincts.  Intuition and confidence were once my innate nature, but I lost that for awhile.  Thank you for helping me find it again. 


Like a river smashing against boulders, I am carving my own path through the canyon.  My river may be twisting and turning more than anticipated, but it's a beautiful albeit unexpected path.  I love the rush I get from walking in my own power.  Doubts are cast aside as I shut out the noise and do what I need to do.  Those boulders, those speed bumps, those challenges and disappointments are not enough to stop my momentum.


I see my 14 year old daughter advocating for herself, too.  She has learned hard life lessons at a young age, but they are serving her well.  I have no doubt she will conquer the challenges in her life because of the obstacles she has already overcome.  She is more powerful than I ever was at her age.  The path she carves will be magnificent. 


Yes, the past five years have been incredibly difficult.  I have cried more than I ever thought I would cry.  I have struggled to stand when all I wanted to do was curl up on the floor and lose myself in darkness.  I have cursed my fate.  My children have suffered the loss of their father and the trauma of seeing his suicide.  They have screamed with anger.  They have clung to me in sorrow.  Together we have gotten to the other side of grief's chasm of despair.  We have gotten here despite the critics who told us we never would. 


In the famous words of Frank Sinatra, "I did it my way."  So thank you, speed bumps, for thickening my skin, strengthening my resolve and emboldening my already bold attitude. 

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