About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Monday, June 28, 2010

There comes a time

Like a chick cracking through the egg into the new world, I have pecked through the outer shell of my evolution and am shaking the shattered pieces of my journey from my wings.  Looking around me, I see where I was, where I am, and wonder, "now what?"

On shaky legs, I step forward not knowing exactly what it is I am doing or what I hope to accomplish by any of it.  Just like that new chick, I am filled with wonder tinged with fear about where it is I'm going from here.

When I was a single chic, pre-marriage and pre-child, I had a fierce confidence and sense of independence.  I was invincible.  If I wanted something, I got it.  Whether it was the job, the promotion, or the man, I got it.  Even near-death experiences didn't stop me from moving on and taking what I wanted from life.

Flash-forward to now, post-Sean's suicide and post-grief, and here I am annoyed at myself for inertia.  Limbo isn't for me.  I smile as I write this because I no longer feel guilty for wanting to break free of the shell that has protected me for so many years.  I am thankful that I had an opportunity to hunker down and heal before leaping back into the world.  I needed time to recover from the trauma of Sean's suicide.  I needed time to focus on the kids and healing our family.  I needed time and I received it.  Thank you, Universe.

But now the time has come to walk away from the shell that holds my comfort zone, my former identity as wife, my grief, my insecurity, my self-sabotaging tactics and guilt.  I no longer need its protection or its containment.  I am finished incubating in muck.

Yes, the shell has broken open and I am standing here enjoying the sun on my face.  I'm scared about taking that leap again, but at least I'm free to fall and free to soar.  There comes a time to walk away from the broken shell of the past, shake off the dust and embrace the new.  This is my time.

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