About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Monday, May 17, 2010

Kiss the sky

As I prepare for my daughter's confirmation and her transition to high school, I see all the pieces of my life take shape like a flickering slide show behind me.  Laughing with high school friends, falling in love for the first time, pulling all-nighters in college, traipsing through Europe, partying in my 20s, getting married, buying my first house, having babies, sending the kids off for their first days of school, scattering my husband's ashes to the wind, attending grief camps/counseling for the kids, home schooling my daughter for 2 years, arguing with my kids over stupid stuff, watching kids' school plays, evolving adult friendships, traveling, starting life over at 40 and now watching my kids grow into their independence. It all makes me sigh.  

"'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,"
Lyrics from Anna Nalick's song "Breathe (2AM)"

When I held my daughter in my arms the day she was born, I looked at her little face and her little eyes and promised I would give her a great life. I promised my little girl that we would be the best of friends, that I would always do my best and that I would protect her.  I don't think I lived up to those promises.  Life intervened with tragedy and stresses I had never imagined.  I did the best I could at the time, but I stumbled more than I hurdled. 

"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around."
More lyrics from "Breathe (2AM)"

I've made many mistakes, there's no denying that.  As this slide show continues, I see moments when I could have had a cooler head, when I could have been more loving, when I could have tried harder.  But I've also kicked ass when I needed to and picked myself up more often than not.  

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"
More lyrics from "Breathe (2AM)"

I stand alone watching the kids becoming adults and wish I had a life partner to share it all with.  I wish Sean were around to see his little girl and little boy becoming the cool people they are.  But he's not.  I alone am witness to their triumphs and their sorrows.  And the fact is that I don't like the last few slides in this show of mine.  I see loss upon loss.  Loss of my husband, loss of friends I had cherished, loss of my innate trust in others, loss of myself. But even though I watch this show and flinch every now and then; the truth is that I have found inner strength, found a deeper faith and found a higher purpose.

"Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason"
More lyrics from "Breathe (2AM)"

I am ready for the new phase where I write my own rules, where I take the lead, where I rewrite my expectations and where I step out from the shadows to say, "hey, world, I'm back and I'm ready to rock."  I am ready to let go and watch the kids fly.  It's time for me to stretch my own wings. It's been awhile since I soared.  And maybe while I'm flying around up there, I'll be able to make good on those promises I made to the kids so long ago.  I hope and I hope and I hope.  And at the end of the day, hope is all that matters.  

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