About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Monday, March 8, 2010

Tearing Off the Fragile Sticker

For months I craved relaxation.  I wanted to slow down, breathe, hear myself think, get my bearings, take a vacation from all the expectations on me.  And I did.  I took a break.  I quieted my mind.  I actually slept for more than a few hours at a time.  With relaxation came a deep peace that allowed me to hear my inner voice.  And, surprisingly, I didn't like what my inner voice had to say.  It made me uncomfortable.  


What did my inner voice shout when I finally stopped moving and drank enough wine to relax?  The voice shouted: stop following misery's lead and toss aside the fragile label because that's a lie.  Stop living a lie.  


I have had the word fragile pasted on my forehead and my heart since the moment I found my husband hanging dead in my closet.  Yes, Sean killed himself.  Yes, that sucks.  Yes, his suicide knocked my confidence back a few decades.  Yes, I am lonely.  Yes, I get overwhelmed with being an only parent.  Yes, my heart is big and wide and open and vulnerable.  Yes, my heart gets trampled on over and over again--usually by the same person.  Yes, I have allowed the fractures to stretch until my heart looks like a million spider webs.  Yes, I often cry for reasons I cannot identify.  None of these things make me fragile. 


I like who I am, especially when I am surrounded by good people who make me laugh and allow me to be however I need to be in any given moment.  I make more mistakes than I probably should admit, but at the end of the day I am willing to accept the consequences.  I have scars that run deep.  My life is lovely chaos.  My heart has been broken over and over again, but at least I am willing to always give love a chance.  That being said, I trust too easily and often given people more chances than they deserve.   I have a tinge of sadness about me even while I'm smiling, but don't know if that will ever change.  I am okay with all of this.  It is who I am.  

I need to tear off that fragile sticker once and for all.  It's no longer my style.  It never was.  As for following misery's lead, my inner voice is right as usual.  I do tend to follow misery's lead, although it hasn't been on purpose.

I am the first to admit that I don't know what the hell I'm doing on any given day; but I do know that I am the one in charge of my life.  I have been playing defense for far too long--reacting to life's circumstances and stumbling into misery like a blind woman. Time to play some offense.  The fragile sticker declared to the world--and to myself--that I needed careful handling.  No rough play allowed. Screw that.  After all, I am a hockey fan and it's time to play like I'm fighting for the Stanley Cup.

I am not fragile.  I am not sure I ever was...perhaps I just allowed the sticker to stay there because it gave me an excuse to hide for awhile.  So I am ripping it off with a good yank, uncaring about the pain that will come with its removal.  I have felt pain...and I have survived it.  I am not fragile.  











2 comments:

  1. Let's talk. Clearly, you were sucker punched. That would take the breath out of anyone. What you lived through is as cruel as it comes. You will surmount this, because you ARE strong. You will continue to rise to the mountain tops and beyond. Yes, beyond. No gravitational pull is going to keep you down!!
    A ssemble the troops; you're in charge making new memories
    M ind over matter
    B ye, bye old recordings
    E ye to the future
    R elease and renew new direction in life
    :) No lists required

    slt

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  2. You always make me smile, SLT. Yes, I took a severe knock down. What happened after the knock down, though, was a series of other knock downs that left me wondering exactly how (if) I could rally. When on vacation, I had a great time, went a bit wild, and laughed a lot; but in the absence of my schedule, I noticed that sadness quickly surfaced when I least expected it. This made me contemplate why it's still lurking there when I have so many great things going on in my life. Contemplation led to realization. I have been following/reacting to circumstances--not always, but predominately--and there is still a part of me that feels wounded and alone.

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