What did my inner voice shout when I finally stopped moving and drank enough wine to relax? The voice shouted: stop following misery's lead and toss aside the fragile label because that's a lie. Stop living a lie.
I have had the word fragile pasted on my forehead and my heart since the moment I found my husband hanging dead in my closet. Yes, Sean killed himself. Yes, that sucks. Yes, his suicide knocked my confidence back a few decades. Yes, I am lonely. Yes, I get overwhelmed with being an only parent. Yes, my heart is big and wide and open and vulnerable. Yes, my heart gets trampled on over and over again--usually by the same person. Yes, I have allowed the fractures to stretch until my heart looks like a million spider webs. Yes, I often cry for reasons I cannot identify. None of these things make me fragile.
I like who I am, especially when I am surrounded by good people who make me laugh and allow me to be however I need to be in any given moment. I make more mistakes than I probably should admit, but at the end of the day I am willing to accept the consequences. I have scars that run deep. My life is lovely chaos. My heart has been broken over and over again, but at least I am willing to always give love a chance. That being said, I trust too easily and often given people more chances than they deserve. I have a tinge of sadness about me even while I'm smiling, but don't know if that will ever change. I am okay with all of this. It is who I am.
I need to tear off that fragile sticker once and for all. It's no longer my style. It never was. As for following misery's lead, my inner voice is right as usual. I do tend to follow misery's lead, although it hasn't been on purpose.
I am the first to admit that I don't know what the hell I'm doing on any given day; but I do know that I am the one in charge of my life. I have been playing defense for far too long--reacting to life's circumstances and stumbling into misery like a blind woman. Time to play some offense. The fragile sticker declared to the world--and to myself--that I needed careful handling. No rough play allowed. Screw that. After all, I am a hockey fan and it's time to play like I'm fighting for the Stanley Cup.
I am not fragile. I am not sure I ever was...perhaps I just allowed the sticker to stay there because it gave me an excuse to hide for awhile. So I am ripping it off with a good yank, uncaring about the pain that will come with its removal. I have felt pain...and I have survived it. I am not fragile.