About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Walking With My Shadow

As Green Day sings in "Boulevard of Broken Dreams":  My shadow's the only one that walks beside me, My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating, Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me, 'Til then I walk alone.


As I do on most evenings, I am sitting in my office late at night, listening to iTunes, wishing the dogs would settle down and writing away at my current work-in-progress. Yet tonight is different in that it is the eve before my son has surgery. 


Yes, I am worried about the usual stuff like anesthesia, his recovery,and the worst-case scenarios. I have faith that he will be okay, so that's not what is prompting me to write this post. No, I need to write about the odd sense of stillness that has overcome me these past few days.  I am filled with profound quiet.


This quiet is the knowledge that I am alone in all that I do.  The quiet is realizing that January 20 would have been my 14th wedding anniversary had my husband not died; but he did die and I am alone.  I alone will be sitting in the waiting room tomorrow.  I alone am making the decisions about my son's well-being.  I alone will deal with insurance and pay the bill.  I alone will bring him home and care for him.  I alone will annoy him with my overly-motherly instincts.  And that's okay.  All of it.  Even the being alone part.  


The reality is that we will all again walk alone one day, no matter what the circumstances are at the moment.  Spouses die.  Children grow up and move on.  Jobs come and go.  Our goals change.  Nothing is permanent except change.  We all need to be comfortable walking life's journey alone from time to time, knowing that we can handle whatever comes our way.  


So tonight I am quiet with the knowledge that I do walk alone, at least during this leg of my journey.  And the quiet comforts me, holds me close and whispers, "you have all that you need to do this thing."  


Maybe I'm not as alone as I think I am.  As Green Day says, "my shadow's the only one that walks beside me."  

4 comments:

  1. Wow, you were meant to be a writer. That one made me tear up. Sounds like a rough day, but this too shall pass. Love ya Jo

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  2. Oh, honey...this is a beautiful, heart-wrenching post that SO MANY can relate to!

    First: How did the surgery go? I hope all went well.

    2nd: Yes, we all need to accept that there will be times when we'll have to handle things alone. My "alone" came about from divorce...and sometimes it almost cripples me...that feeling of never having someone to lean on again.

    Not that we know what the future holds for either one of us....

    I know that song well...it's on my iPod as well. I'm going now to follow you on Twitter.
    Look for "rolltome"....that's ME.

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  3. Kathryn:
    The surgery went well, thanks for asking. A long and rough day, though, that has me more than a little bleary eyed. I could have used some big shoulders to lean on tonight, no question.

    Also thanks for your PS. I took care of the issues. I appreciate you bringing that Follow button to my attention. I must have deleted it months ago and never noticed. Shame on me! It's now baaaaaack!

    I love reading your blog. You are a great example of the right way to do things and always leave me laughing. Thank you for that.

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  4. What a relief and good news with your son's successful surgery. With your present situation as a single mom, exhaustion doesn't count it seems, as there are the countless details in that you must rise to the occasion to meet head on. You are one brave soul, although may not see it or feel it as you keep surging forward.

    Music is very powerful; it can either add to a slump or improve our outlook on things. I am reminded of the saying, "we become what we seek." I am a fan on the sidelines rooting for you...the best is yet to come!!
    slt

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