About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

History Speaks

History keeps whispering through my mind like a familiar song I just can't shake. The journals I discovered in my attic a few weeks ago won't let me go. Combined, they span over 24 years of my life. I think the reason I cannot put them behind me is that I realized something shocking after reading them. At 41, I am still trying to figure out exactly what I was trying to figure out at 17. Who am I and what the hell am I doing?

When I read my words from my senior year in high school, I see how scared I was of the big unknown of adulthood. I struggled with self-esteem issues, questioned if I could handle college, wondered if I would ever be happy, hoped I would fall in love with a good man...just to name a few of the biggies listed in those pages. Well, I have some of those same issues now. I see the wrinkles hinting around my lips, cringe at the stretch marks lining my hips, wonder how I can possibly start over at this age, doubt my ability to raise two children alone, wonder yet again if I will be happy down the road and question my sanity on a daily basis.

A lot of life has happened since I was that 17 year old curled up in her bedroom writing about teenage drama. In these past 24 years, I have graduated from college, traveled the world, broken my fair share of hearts, married a handsome man, tried a few careers, given birth to two children, laughed with a lot of friends, danced at some wicked rock concerts, written a half-dozen manuscripts, buried that handsome husband, held those two children together through the grief and have picked myself up from sobbing on the floor more times than I can count.

It is as if life delivered me back to the starting line for a do-over, whether or not I want one. The big hand of the Universe has rolled the dice. I need to accept that this is my second chance around the board. I need to come up with a new strategy.

Despite all of the confusion starting over brings, I know one thing for certain. Two decades from now, I do not want to read my journals from this point forward and realize how redundant I have been.

I do not believe in coincidences. I stumbled upon that box of journals for a reason. I must learn from the girl I once was about the woman I am yet to become.

So here I am back at square one, the dice have been thrown...ready, set...stop, stumble, I-am-so-not-ready-for-this...go.

No comments:

Post a Comment