About Moxie Girl Musings

Moxie Girl Musings is about starting over from square one after tragedy impacted my young family. It's filled with stories of triumph, struggle, snafus, hopes, and dreams. Sometimes there will be features from other writers that I like and every so often I'll include an original short story, but normally I simply write what's on my mind at the time. Welcome to my unfiltered true-life story as I figure out this thing called life. http://www.amberleaeaston.com

Monday, September 28, 2009

Risking Reconnect

When I married my husband in 1996, I thought my adventures in dating were over. I didn't anticipate being widowed, but no one ever anticipates that kind of tragedy. Yet here I sit, once again broken hearted.

Four years ago I became a widow at age 37. Overwhelmed with the idea of raising two children by myself, I didn't even consider the possibility that I would want to date again. Then last October a friend convinced me to venture into the world of internet social networks. Get out there...reconnect with the world...be brave...so I did. I reconnected with the world.

By reconnecting, I met up with an old boyfriend from high school. Yes, it sounds cliche. Old loves reconnect after a 24 year break...he's a widower...I'm a widow...sparks still fly. Cliche, cliche, cliche yet it became my reality. He talked a big game despite his grief being more recent than mine and I ate it up despite knowing it was all too soon for him.

I didn't want to reopen my heart to anyone even though it has been years since my husband died. I didn't want to experience that kind of pain again. Ever. But the internet made it easy to break down walls, to share each other's baggage, to flirt without boundaries and to entertain the idea that I might not have to remain single after all. Despite my reluctance, I fell hard for the man. Damn, it felt good, too. I admit it. Seeing his name in my inbox sent tingles all over. Seeing him in person felt surreal but wonderful. Something deep inside me stirred as if awakened from a deep sleep.

Then it ended abruptly. He stopped answering my emails, avoided seeing me when I visited our mutual home town where he now lives again, and has shut me out. I have taken the hint. I get it.

Risking reconnecting to the big world outside my home paid off in many ways. I have learned that I can still feel attracted to someone despite my loss. For a long time I didn't think there was room in my heart for anything or anyone that didn't revolve around my children, my former husband, my grief or my close friends/family. Now I know differently. Thanks to an old flame, I know I am still capable of burning hot.

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